I feel sick to my stomach. Anxious. Angry. Depressed. Tired. Wired. And so many other emotions I can’t put a name to. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week yet I feel like I couldn’t sleep if I tried. I want to scream, cry, cut, puke, and drink until I don’t remember my own name. Yet I can’t because I have to work tomorrow.
In 8 days, it will have been one year since I leaned you died. I knew what had happened yet I didn’t at the same time. You were depressed and addicted to things you shouldn’t be for a long time. And there was nothing I could do about it.
I don’t remember how exactly we even met. Probably was through post secret. But we started talking and we clicked. You were the first person in a long time that I could be honest with about things I can’t even be honest to myself about. And though we lived hundreds of miles apart, you were always there. We had plans to meet up at some point. Actually, I was supposed to come up there to New York to you, but I didn’t have the money. You believed in me when I was going through EMT and medic school and thought there was no way in hell I could even begin to do any of this.
But now I’m a medic and you’re dead. I still don’t know if it was an accident or on purpose. I’ll probably never know. I’ll have to find some way to live with the unknown while putting on a brave face. I’ll have to cope.
But for tonight, I’ll finish this bottle of wine and go to sleep with lyrics such as these going through my head:
“I’ve got so many things to say with a broken heart and a straight face, I’m saying, “brother, help me”
– For my brother by Blue October
“But I’m ready to question
That life is a blessing
Give me a sign, am I following blind?
Is there any one listening?
Is there anyone listening?
I don’t know”
– Ready to Question by Gabrielle Ap lin