I don’t sleep. I’m always exhausted, day in and day out. I’ve posted before about my struggle with depression when discussing my past, but there’s more to the story than I previously let on.
My life hasn’t been a complete sob story like a lot of people. Compared to most, I haven’t been through a lot. It never fails to amaze me how things vary from person to person in ways of coping, stresses, and downfalls. I haven’t fought in wars, had any siblings join the military, had to fight for my life against outside forces, been maimed, homeless, or battled with serious illness. In fact, much of my struggles I’ve battled would seem insignificant to many. No, I haven’t lived an overly privileged life. My parents don’t make a ton of money, I don’t have the nicest things, always driven the nicest cars or had the nicest phones. I haven’t traveled across the globe, or across the country for that matter. And I know I’ve had it better than some people. I still live at home for the moment, rent free even though I do pay for things used around the house. The first three vehicles I drove I didn’t have to buy myself, although one was borrowed, the second bought for me so I could go to school, and the third was bought mostly with insurance money I received after being in a wreck and totaling car number two. I’ve never been abused or tortured by another person. I’ve got a job that’s given me the ability to buy a good car and keep insurance/payments/gas taken care of for it.
Still, I’ve lived my life being second best to everyone else. I’ve been waiting to find my father dead since I was in the 7th grade. I have failed out of the nursing program, something I thought I wanted to do since I was 7 years old. I’ve had a minimal relationship with my eldest brother due to distance. I’ve always had horrible self esteem. I’ve never felt good enough.
Depression has ruled my life as has anxiety. I barely can talk on the phone. I never go out and meet people. I don’t sleep, which is funny considering the last time everything got bad all I could do was sleep. I’ve gotten amazingly good at plastering a fake smile on my face and playing nice with others. My patients and coworkers probably don’t have any idea when I’m having a shitty day or month.
I’ve had maybe 4 hours of sleep since 0500 on 3/20. It’s currently around 0200 on 3/22. My head is fuzzy due to a mix of alcohol and lack of sleep. Yet sleep doesn’t seem to want to happen right now. I mean, I could probably fall asleep if I lay down and tried hard enough, but I can’t shut down. I don’t really see how I’ve gotten through the last few months without taking anything stronger than Benadryl to help me sleep. I.e take any Klonopin. I still have a bottle around here with some from when I was still seeing a psychiatrist, but I am too afraid to take it due to the possibility of failing a drug test and then trying to explain why a controlled medication showed up in my system that I haven’t had a prescription for in two years. I don’t have it in me to fight that battle.
I probably should go back to the doctor and see about getting something to help my depression. But the last time I was on medications, if I skipped a dose I felt fuzzy headed and completely not myself. I’m at wits end. I don’t think my primary doctor takes my depression seriously but at the same time the thought of having to start over with a new doctor stresses me out and scares me. I’m buying my own insurance yet I’ve never used it.
I know my posts make it sound like I drink a lot, but I promise I don’t. Well, at least not anymore and not for now. I just seem to be able to put my defenses down more after drinking and that’s when I’m able to make my blog posts. The funny thing is that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell the people I know in real life about this blog. I’m afraid that if people I know found out about all this, my life would be over. My career would be over.
I don’t know the last time I’ve slept through the night. I probably won’t tonight and I know I won’t tomorrow night. I have yet to sleep through the night when I work the next day. Well, not for the last month or two anyways. I don’t know what to do to change it, so I guess it will have to become my new normal. I’ll just get used to not sleeping on or off shift.
Who needs sleep anyways, right?